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SWAMI's ANGUISH- Posting - 4 (1.10 to 1.13)
Date: Fri Sep 24 1999 - 06:55:21 PDT

(As gleaned from his StOtras) 

Anguish- Posting - 4 (1.10 to 1.13)
(Anbil Ramaswamy)
[As already mentioned in the Introduction, the NaichyAnusanthAnam is 
applicable to us only and NOT to Swami Desika, we have to substitute 
ourselves wherever Swami Desika extrapolates these to himself] 
1.10. " I am an imposter"

vikala sakalAnga vishamAn dharmAn nathasathya ! dwajanibhAn dhArayan /
kAnthArapAnthaka iva skhalas charanOsmi kAthara viseeryamANah //
(Achyutha Sathakam SlOkam 74)

"Oh! Natha Satya!
I have not done any yAga in its entirety. Because of this, even those 
attempted failed to yield fruit. Is it not true that a yAga will be effective 
only if all its 'angas' are observed fully and correctly? Some people to show 
themselves off as virtuous and respectable in the eyes of others would 
install a flag in their frontyard. Similarly, I pretend as if I am also doing 
some karma with much fanfare and publicity even though I do them only 
half-heartedly. I hold my flag aloft just to impress others. In private, 
however, I feel I am an imposter and am really afraid of what will happen to 
me. I am like a panic stricken wayfarer caught in the midst of a dense forest 
not knowing which way to go. Take pity on me and show me the way"

Swami bemoans how he has been trying to do some karmas and finds himself 
unable to complete but still poses as if he has done what ought to be done 
without actually performing any fully. And, he feels this gives a wrong 
impression to his followers. He is feeling guilty of playing deception on 
them. How true of most of us who do much the same!
1.11. " I am a pretender"

sthira dharma varma sthagitham adharma pravaNAnAm agra skandha pravrittam /
aghaTamAna viprateesAram achyutha mAm hasasi noonam lakshmeesamaksham //
(Achyutha Sathakam SlOkam 75)

" I pretend to be true follower of Dharma. Like wearing an armor to conceal 
the body, I am showing off outwardly as if I am doing some Dharamic acts. 
This is only to conceal my real self. In reality, I stand foremost among 
sinners (Adharmikas). I do not even have any qualms of conscience in doing 
so. If I had at least a modicum of regret that would cancel a quarter of my 
sins. I refuse to feel remorse or contrition (nirvEdam). When Periya PirAtti 
comes to you recommending my case, you explain to her this fact and laugh at 
her attempt. But, I am sure that ultimately, however, you will not go against 
her wishes."

Swami continues in the same mood of depression

1.12. "I am a log of wood"

rAtrimdivasam Achyuta !trutithapathanyAyur druma khandanAni /
drishtvApidripta manasambAlam idhAneem api bharaswa mAm apramathaha //
(Achyuta Sathakam SlOkam 78)

Life is like a tree that is constantly cut asunder into logs of wood by the 
axe of time that manifests itself as day and night. None is eternal; living 
creatures face death on a daily basis. I am witnessing this with my own eyes. 
Yet, vainly imagine that my life, however, is going to be permanent and feel 
terribly conceited. With an unbending mind, I strut about petulantly. What a 
foolishness on my part! Only you have to rid me of this foolishness and 
protect me with your care and compassion. 

In Yaksha Prasna in MahabhArata, when Yaksha asked Dharmaputra as to what in 
the world is so surprising, Dharmaputra answered that when we see people 
dying every moment it is so strange that people somehow think that only they 
are going to live forever and that is the most surprising thing. Swami 
reflects the same sentiments here.

1.13. " I am a drop of water hanging precariously at the tip of a roof"

niswAsa sankhaneeyE dEhE paTalAntha salila bindhu sadrusEkshE /
jAnAsi natha Satya! tvam mAm jaratkaraNEpi dheergha yowana trishnNam //
(Achyuta Sathakam SlOkam 79)

"Oh! Adiyavarkku meyyanE!
See how precarious is this life in the world. We do not know whether one 
would breathe the very next moment. The drop of water hanging from the edge 
of the roof tip of a house may fall down at any moment. This body of ours is 
also as prone to fall and certainly fall it will any moment. Old age saps all 
faculties and leaves one totally debilitated. Yet, I yearn to live the life 
of youth. Due to my ignorance, I am always running after the evanescent 
worldly pleasures and you know it full well because you are my indweller 
(AntharyAmi). For folks like me, there can be no refuge except your feet.

Swami Desika perhaps alludes to the story of YayAti who traded in his old age 
in exchange for the youth of his son.

(To Continue)