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Thiruvaaymozhi 8.2- This is my vow! I will never ever give up!

From: Madhavakkannan V (srivaishnavan_at_hotmail.com)
Date: Thu Jul 16 1998 - 03:28:54 PDT

SrI:

Dearest Sisters and Brothers,

In this ten, NammAzhwAr gets into NayikA bhAvam. He declared that there 
is none but Him to enable one to reach Him. But He has NOT helped the 
AzhwAr to show His Thirumukham (Face). Hence, he gets into "nayaki" 
bhaavam and narrates her situation to her friends.

1. Oh My dearest friends, (ones who wear lovely bangles!) I am ashamed 
of telling my situation to our (enemy) mothers. (Enemy because they do 
not support us nor are they concerned; they know only to scold us!). But 
I can at least speak to you. Even then, I am Not able to tell all that I 
experience. My heart has gone to ThiruvEnkatanAthan. I went to see Him 
with great desire in my heart, because I have fallen in love with Him 
who rides on GarudA. (He should have actually come to me; Instead, I 
went to Him). Even then, since, I could NOT see Him and fulfil my 
desires, I am suffering terribly. My bangles have simply fallen off (due 
to my wrists getting thin). I have lost my usual complexion and 
brightness. Due to my suffering and pangs of separation, my breasts have 
lost their Golden colour and become pale. My body has become exhausted. 
 
2. My friends! Are you all not so dear to me? (who have the right to get 
from me whatever you desire!). Even to such dears like you, I am not 
able to fully describe my sorrows in words. They are so big sorrows and 
are really tormenting me. If I can see MY LOVER KaNNan,- and can satisfy 
all my desires by seeing those Red Lotus Beautiful eyes of that Chief of 
NityasUris- the Robber of my heart- I can get back my bangles and my 
lost complexion and beauty. I don't know how long I am going to keep on 
suffering and getting thin without fulfilling my desires?
 
3. Oh my dearest friends (ones who have beautiful foreheads)! There is 
no benefit at all hereafter in my feeling shy to tell you all of my 
situation. That Blue hued Lord kaNNan has stimulated my Virahathaapam 
and has made me thin down with my bangles falling off and my fair 
complexion getting pale. I am suffering from "pasalai" disease (pasalai- 
name in tamil for the disease the lover causes by leaving his beloved 
suffering from pangs of separation. The beloved gets pale, thin, body 
gets tired - she simply languishes!)  hence, I had to come out of my 
house (and let the whole world know about it) in search of Him and to 
get back whatever I lost in Him. Thus, I have become even notorious. 
Now, unless I see Him ,join Him and unite Him (The One who is like The 
Most Beautiful Blue Stone surrounded by limitless unbounded lustre), I 
will Never ever come back. Even if the ever permanent time (kaala 
tatvam) ends, I will not give  up. It is impossible to get Him- you all 
say. I think I have committed so many enormous sins! 
 
4. ThenkuLandhai - This Divya dEsam has got great tall buildings, 
ramparts, etc.. At this sthalam, Maayakkootthan (The Mischievous Dancer) 
is gracefully present. That SarvEshwaran has got GarudA as His flag. He 
has the Divine strong ChakrAyudham. I went there with a tremendous 
desire to unite with Him. But when I went there, I lost my bangles, my 
complexion, my heart etc.. Is it just that? I LOST EVEN MY FEMININE 
SHYNESS. (naaNam). I am now standing ashamed - standing brazen- 
shameless- in front of my friends, unable to tell even to them. Like 
that due to my love for Emperumaan, after losing all my things (my 
shyness, my heart- my bangles, my complexion, my name in the society, 
etc..), what else to lose? What to give Him still fresh?
 
5. Even the Greatest scholars (jnAnis), try to know Emperumaan fully 
trying all their ages, still they can NOT get to know Him completely. 
Emperumaan (who is capable of capturing His devotees so effortlessly 
with His Beauty) is the Most Brightest Shining, Primordial Chief and the 
Prime Cause of everything. He has got Divya mangaLa swarUpam and is a 
JyothiswarUpI. The One who has the ChakrAyudham in His right hand- 
friends! Is it possible for us to reach Him with our efforts alone? Is 
it also in our control and in our hands to wait for Him to come to us 
and enable us join Him? NO! Hence, whatever you all talk about me, they 
should not be talked! I simply can not listen to them.
 
6. In spite of whatever extent we feel or think about Emperumaan's 
lustre, it is not possible to fully experience or feel His brightness 
nor can we describe in our words. Even to BrahmA et al, it gives them 
doubt and lack of clarity in knowing Emperumaan's Greatness and 
form/lustre. Such Greatest Lord, has allured me with His awesome Beauty 
and auspicious attributes (kalyANa guNAs) and I have lost my Brownish 
Fair complexion (due to my suffering from "pasalai" disease). He hasn't 
even given me His cool most fragrant ThuLasi maalai that He is wearing. 
Such a Cruel Lord (the One who is causing me terrible sufferings) is 
having His Yogha nithrA at Thirukkudanthai. Now after He deserted me 
like this, who else should I call for? Where else should I go but to His 
door entrance? Tell me!
 
7. Oh Mothers! Friends! I, who has been captured (trapped) by 
Emperumaan's Nithya kalyANa guNAs, have been yelling again and again 
with His names " ThirumaalE! HarI! Kesavaa! Sri Madhavaa! Narayanaa! 
GovindhA! VaikunthA!. This Lord- The One who has made me in such 
pitiable state of crazily calling Him repeatedly- has never even shown 
His face- never even shown any semblance/ identification (that He will 
come to take me!). He has not even shown the way to reach Him. What 
shall I do, now? (Tell me!). I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE THIS AT THIS STAGE. 
THIS IS MY VOW! (I have taken a vow!) Let it take any amount of time- 
ages- yugams- Whatever happens- I WILL SURELY SEE TO IT THAT I SEE HIM. 
Please do NOT attempt to change my decision. (IT CAN NOT BE CHANGED! I 
AM DETERMINED!) There is no connection between you and me any more. Do 
not talk to me any more on this matter! (Dearest sisters and brothers, 
What a lovely expression of feelings and anubhavam of AzhwAr! Where did 
he see all these! He was sitting under the tree and knows all these 
"beloved's" sufferings so well and have written so nicely)
 
8. Oh My dear Parrots! Cuckoos! Peacocks! Emperumaan has taken away my 
fair brown (maamai) complexion, my bangles, etc.. He has also snatched 
away my heart from me! Everything He has robbed! His Vaikuntham, His 
ThiruppaaRkadal, His ThiruvEnkadam are all ver near. Only after getting 
rid of my bondage completely (removing from the root level), then only 
He will show them (heart, bangles, complexion etc) to me. Hence, there 
is no connection between us any more. Nor do I desire for that any more. 
(to get rid of bondage, AzhwAr has taken her mind away from her pets and 
dear birds!). 
 
9. Oh my dearest friends (ones who have beautiful foreheads)! Emperumaan 
will never show Himself completely to scholars of any extent of jnAnam 
whatever. (None can get to know Him). He appeared as a small Vaamanan. 
He took a huge, Big form of Thirvikraman to house the universe under His 
Feet. His lustrous shoulders expanded so huge. I lost myself to such 
Greatest Devapiraan. I have lost my feminine shyness also to Him. What 
else to lose further? What else to offer Him further? (Like mahAbhali, I 
have also lost all my things to Trivikraman- says Parangusa nAyaki).

10. Oh My dearest Friends! There is nothing I can do hereafter. Even MY 
HEART LOOKED AT ME AND SAID " there is no connection between you and me 
any more " ad went to Emperumaan. He has both ChakrA and the Sanghu in 
His Hands. When one sees Him coming with those Sanghu Chakram, it 
appears as if a Big Huge Blue Mountain comes with the Sun and the Moon 
on its top (on both sides). To such Lord, my heart has taken refuge at 
the Lotus Feet. What else can I do further?

11. Thirukkurugoor sadgOpar, desired to reach the Lotus Feet of 
Emperumaan and with no desires after worldly matters he composed 1000 
pAsurams in praise of KaNNan (in andhaadhi style). Out of those 1000, 
those who read this ten will have no sorrows- and will be blessed with 
all good things here (in this world) and at Paramapadham as well.

NammAzhwAr ThiruvadigaLE saraNam        

Ram Ram

With Best Regards

NarayaNa dAsan madhavakkannan


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